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An Ode to Comcast (Composed While Waiting for the Cable Guy)

Phillip Dampier February 10, 2015 Comcast/Xfinity, Consumer News No Comments

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“An Ode To Comcast”
(By Joel Walden)

Oh, Comcast, how you keep my life
From being dull and stable.
I called you several weeks ago
For some internet and cable.

Quicker than molasses
On a brisk December day,
You sent your guy, Armando,
To, eventually, come my way.

Heroically, he strode on in,
Strapped on his carpet booties.
And off he marched, attending
To his internetly duties.

But sadly, he revealed, my dreams
would not unfold as planned.
“Your cable’s all chopped up, you see,
It’s right here in my hand!”

“We’ll send another guy right away.
And in two weeks or more,
Between the hours of noon and eight
He’ll run cable to your door!”

And so the days crawled on.
All my musings went un-tweeted.
My posts went on un-posted.
My cell phone data, near depleted.

At last, the day arrives!
I rise with hopefulness and glee.
For at some unknown time today,
I’ll have internet and TV!

Shoved aside are all my meager plans,
My appointments and my tasks.
My life reduced to waiting
For that mystery hour to pass.

The hours drip and dribble by,
My fingers crossed for luck.
My eyeballs bug, and twitch, and scan,
For some dude in a Comcast truck.

The final hour strikes… then ends!
My diced up cable lay unfixed!
Dried up are all my humble dreams
Of watching YouTube and Netflix!

Enraged, I call, complain, and whine,
As manly as I’m able.
But no pleas, demands, nor whimpering
Would avail me any cable.

I didn’t understand
the service agent’s explanation.
Her foreign accent, while exotic,
Only brought on more frustration.

Something about the cable line
Was too close to a bog,
Or the installer’s shovel was all digital
And all my dirt was analog.

Whatever was the cause,
I sat in impotent defeat.
Doomed to spend forever
Bereft of “likes” or “tweets”.

Perhaps I’d wander through the wild,
Wrap my feet in beaver pelts,
Unable to Google poison ivy,
I’d live with painful bottom welts.

But then, a notion dawned on me
That sent my spirits soaring!
Maybe Comcast treated me this way
To keep my life from being boring!

Maybe all their flops and failures
Were of a grand design
To take away predictability
And free up all my time!

Such incompetence brings whimsy!
Must our lives be so concrete?
Perhaps they’ll string up proper cables?
Or perhaps piñatas filled with meat!

So let us not dwell endlessly
On how much Comcast sucks…
Their neglect and lazy service,
And their non-arriving trucks.

Their apathy’s intentional,
So don’t get mad or nervous.
Just go on and grab those ankles,
It’s all part of that Comcast service!

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