AT&T and Verizon Wireless have the largest share of wireless customers. (Wall Street Journal)

The Department of Justice has recommended the Federal Communications Commission promote competition by setting aside certain future low-frequency wireless spectrum for auctions open exclusively to smaller wireless carriers including Sprint and T-Mobile USA.

“Today, the two leading carriers have the vast majority of low-frequency spectrum whereas the two other nationwide carriers have virtually none,” the Department of Justice wrote in comments to the FCC. “This results in the two smaller nationwide carriers having a somewhat diminished ability to compete, particularly in rural areas where the cost to build out coverage is higher with high-frequency spectrum.”

The Justice Department’s antitrust division has monitored the wireless industry with increasing concern consumers are not getting benefits from a robustly competitive marketplace increasingly concentrated in the hands of two wireless giants: AT&T and Verizon Wireless.

That dominance is made possible, in part, from the control of lower frequency spectrum, particularly in the 600-800MHz range that easily penetrates buildings and delivers a more reliable signal over longer distances than frequencies counted in the gigahertz. Verizon and AT&T control large swaths of these lower frequencies that work well indoors and provide longer distance coverage in rural areas. Conversely, Sprint and T-Mobile, among other smaller carriers, rely heavily on higher frequencies that need a larger network of cell towers to support good signal levels.

It often means rural customers may find reception with AT&T or Verizon Wireless but end up with a roaming indicator or no service at all with smaller providers.

The Justice Department worries that auctioning off future prime 600MHz spectrum carved out of the UHF television band reallocated for wireless services will end up in the hands of the deepest pocketed providers — AT&T and Verizon Wireless, and further hamper the ability of Sprint, T-Mobile and other small carriers to compete.

“Due to the scarcity of spectrum, the Department is concerned that carriers may have incentives to acquire spectrum for purposes other than efficiently expanding their own capacity or services,” writes the DoJ. “Namely, the more concentrated a wireless market is, the more likely a carrier will find it profitable to acquire spectrum with the aim of raising competitors’ costs. This could take the shape, for example, of pursuing spectrum in order to prevent its use by a competitor, independent of how efficiently the carrier uses the spectrum. Indeed, a carrier may even have incentives to acquire spectrum and not use it at all.”

The Justice Department echoes critics’ contentions that given a chance, large wireless carriers will “warehouse” acquired spectrum, unused, denying it from the competition. Carriers object to that claim, calling it baseless. But incentives remain for providers to drag their feet: spectrum warehousing forces competitors to pay even higher prices for other scarce spectrum, the necessity of constructing a larger network of costly cell towers to offer robust coverage, and fighting customers’ perceptions of inferior quality indoor phone reception.

In response, AT&T sent a multi-page, thinly veiled threat to sue if the Commission adopted the recommendations of the Justice Department.

“The Department is quite candid about its motive for this blatant favoritism: it hopes that reducing competition for the spectrum may enable Sprint and T-Mobile ‘to mount stronger challenges’ to AT&T and Verizon,” AT&T wrote in response. “Picking winners and losers in this fashion would be patently unlawful.”

AT&T also claimed the Justice Department’s recommendations were specifically tailored to help the two competitors, despite the fact neither company has shown much interest in acquiring low-frequency wireless spectrum, much less further expand the reach of their wireless networks:

“It is especially puzzling that the Department feels the need to help Sprint and T-Mobile in particular. Sprint already has by far the largest nationwide portfolio of spectrum, and holds vastly more spectrum than either AT&T or Verizon. It will also have ample financial resources at its disposal, as the Department has already approved Sprint’s purchase by Softbank, a financially strong Japanese company, and Dish Network has now made a competing offer for Sprint, citing the financial and strategic advantages of its own proposed combination.

Regardless of how this bidding war turns out, Sprint will receive a sizable infusion of cash, spectrum or both. T-Mobile, which is owned by Deutsche Telekom, one of the largest telecommunications companies in the world, just recently acquired substantial amounts of spectrum from both AT&T and Verizon, and is on the verge of completing a merger with MetroPCS that will add another trove of spectrum. So it is surely not for a lack of spectrum resources or financial backing that the Department needs to propose a financial giveaway to these companies.

Moreover, neither company even chose to bid at the Commission’s last auction of low-frequency spectrum, nor have they availed themselves of opportunities to acquire such spectrum in secondary markets. If low-frequency spectrum was critical to their business plans, as the Department simply assumes, someone should have informed their management, which has, instead chosen to acquire deep holdings in [higher frequency] PCS, AWS, and BRS/EBS spectrum.”

The Justice Department filing did not name Sprint or T-Mobile directly, but both companies are the only remaining national competitors to both AT&T and Verizon Wireless.

Spectrum set-asides are not unusual in telecommunications regulation. The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission set aside significant wireless spectrum exclusively for new entrants to promote competition. Ultimately, the new competitors had little impact with less than a 10 percent market share and all three are now considered up for sale. That spectrum may eventually end up in the hands of the largest Canadian wireless companies regardless of the CRTC’s original intentions when license transfer restrictions expire in 2014. All three could be acquired by one or more of the major providers.

Verizon’s flooded headquarters on West St., lower Manhattan (The Wall Street Journal)

As cleanup efforts continue across New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut, some of America’s largest telecommunications companies are coming under increased scrutiny for being caught flat-footed after Hurricane Sandy roared across the tri-state region, causing damage Verizon’s chief technology officer now admits is worse than 9/11.

As of this morning, Verizon Wireless’ network is reportedly straining, particularly in Manhattan and Brooklyn, where cell service that worked immediately after the storm is now increasingly failing.

Verizon said 94% of its cell sites were operational after the storm, but some local officials in the area believe 94% of Verizon’s wireless network has now failed them when they need it the most.

Many telecom companies, particularly AT&T, are being criticized for excessive secrecy about the ongoing state of their networks post-Sandy. AT&T, which left its customers in the dark about service restoration as late as last night while asking customers to contribute $10 to the American Red Cross, finally mass e-mailed customers a statement devoid of much detail signed by Steve Hodges, president of AT&T’s northeast region.

“Restoring our wireless network is our top priority,” Hodges writes. “The vast majority of our cell sites in the Northeast are online and working. We are working issues in areas that were especially hard-hit, where flooding, power loss, transportation and debris all pose challenges. Our crews are working around the clock to restore network service to areas that were impacted by the storm. We will not stop until we repair all of the damage to our network and restore service back to its full capacity.”

The Federal Communications Commission correctly predicted the situation with mobile phones could get worse before it gets better, as backup power wears down and flooding persists. At a press conference held yesterday, FCC chairman Julius Genachowski revealed at least a quarter of all cell sites in areas damaged by Sandy were not operational. Those numbers were less optimistic that those provided by carriers.

The FCC this week activated the Disaster Information Reporting System, a central reporting point for telecommunications companies to update the agency regarding outages and other service disruptions. The FCC also alerted providers that in emergency circumstances, they can assist companies getting fuel for generators and help locate portable cell tower equipment for companies caught unaware.

AT&T’s belated letter to customers affected by Hurricane Sandy

Some may need the help.

New York State Assemblyman Alec Brook-Krasny and Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz both reported Verizon Wireless’ outages are worsening in Brooklyn and midtown Manhattan.

Brooklyn Borough president Marty Markowitz

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) today told Sen. Chuck Schumer the federal agency will reimburse New York for 100 percent of the costs incurred restoring power across the storm areas. But that may not expedite how quickly power returns.

Power restoration is expected to bring most cell towers back online. Worsening service is being attributed to battery backup or generator equipment exhausting on-hand fuel supplies, which usually keeps service up and running for up to three days. That means cell towers without power and unreachable by workers will have begun failing late Wednesday into today.

Damage assessments are further behind in New Jersey, the state that took the worst impact from Hurricane Sandy.

Stop the Cap! obtained some new figures from cell phone companies regarding the state of their networks:

• Verizon: Still holding to 94% operational in storm areas;
• AT&T: Declined to comment except to say “the vast majority” of their network is operational;
• T-Mobile: 80% operational in NYC, 90% operational in Washington, D.C.
• Sprint: 75% operational

[flv width=”384″ height=”228″]http://www.phillipdampier.com/video/WSJ Verizon Offices Damaged 11-1-12.mp4[/flv]

Verizon’s critical network takes another hit. “We’ve been here before,” says one Verizon executive, referring to the destruction from the 9/11 terrorist attacks which severely damaged the same facility on West Street now flooded out. (3 minutes)

Our readers report that cell service becomes spotty to non-existent in coastal New Jersey and Connecticut. In Manhattan anywhere south of 29th Street, readers report almost no signals at all.

Verizon’s damaged facilities include those on West and Broad Streets in Manhattan (circled).

Residents are trading tips about “magic spots” where cell service does suddenly pop up, and Gizmodo notes the only place in Alphabet City (the east side in southern Manhattan) to get service is on literally one street corner, where crowds congregate to make and receive calls.

The other salve for telecom withdrawal is the nearest pay phone.

Amusing stories of 20-somethings waiting in long lines only to be confounded by unfamiliar pay phones are appearing in the New York media. One radio station even aired basic instructions for members of the Millennial Generation that have never heard of inserting coins into telephones.

The biggest challenge for the city’s pay phone vendors is clearing them of coin overloads, something unheard of before the storm.

The often maligned pay phone has exposed the limits of the “more advanced” and expensive networks that were supposed to replace them. Despite claims of superiority for wireless service, northeast residents have once again discovered it has its limits:

• They don’t work during major weather events that knock out power and limit access to maintain backup generators;
• Cell networks are less capable of handling large call volumes, a problem made worse when cell phone refugees in other areas seek out remaining cell signals, further congesting the network;
• Wireless is just as susceptible to wireline or fiber failures on the ground. Cell towers typically connect to providers through wired backhaul circuits, which knock out cell service if they fail;
• Cell phone users need power to recharge their power-hungry smartphones. Batteries drain even faster searching for a weak or non-existent cell signal;

Hardest hit remains Verizon, which allowed reporters access inside damaged facilities to help New Yorkers better understand the scope of the problem.

[flv width=”384″ height=”228″]http://www.phillipdampier.com/video/WSJ Wireless Network Outages 11-1-12.mp4[/flv]

The Wall Street Journal takes a look at the state of the wireless communications networks across the northeastern U.S. and when service will be back.  (4 minutes)

Eleven years after the 9/11 terrorist attacks that took out Verizon’s West Street office when buildings collapsed at the nearby World Trade Center, Verizon is likely going to have to re-learn some lessons about catastrophe management as flood waters recede.

Verizon has deployed this 53-foot Emergency Mobile Communications Center for use by the Nassau County Office of Emergency Management that provides Internet and phone service.

The Wall Street Journal was able to obtain access inside the damaged facilities, and the reporter covering the event was left somewhat stunned by the scope of the damage.

In the middle of organized, yet chaotic recovery efforts was Verizon’s chief technology officer Tony Melone who had seen enough to declare the damage worse than 9/11.

The pictures of several feet of muddy water from the nearby Hudson River covering the lobby of the company’s headquarters on West Street said it all. The mostly salt water was an unwelcome guest in Verizon’s building, especially considering the five level basement below the lobby contains critical cables and telecommunications equipment. Almost four of those basement floors were completely flooded. After the water was pumped out, dampness and leaves from nearby trees remain littered on the floor.

One lesson learned after 9/11 was not to place critical phone switches below ground level. After reconstruction, the switches were moved to a higher floor and consequently were left undamaged. But while Verizon moved its backup generators upstairs, it left the pumps and fuel tanks that power them in the basement — leaving them inoperable.

This morning, passersby on West Street have to step around Verizon’s network of generators now running outside of the building, right next to large temporary fuel tanks to power them.

Verizon central offices in other parts of Manhattan, particularly further southeast on Broad Street, were never upgraded and are in worse shape, with electrical equipment damaged perhaps beyond repair. The force of the water was strong enough to bend the 86 year-old steel and bronze doors. Workers there are still trying to get water out of the building, shoving a pipe down an elevator shaft to facilitate pumping.

Verizon has some redundancy built into its network to protect its most valuable customers. That kept the landline phones working at the New York Stock Exchange, even though other landline and wireless customers will have  to wait longer for service to resume.

AT&T’s generator staging area near Meriden, Connecticut. (Credit: Brian Pernicone)

Some critics of the increasingly concentrated telecommunications landscape think Verizon and other companies have still not learned enough to prevent the kinds of service disruptions that will leave some customers without service for weeks.

It is hard to miss the bustle outside of Verizon’s offices damaged by the storm, watching flood water drain down the street. But things are murkier at cell phone providers who have been less than forthcoming about specific outage information and service restoration assessments.

Some have advocated the federal government step in and require cell phone service, now deemed essential by an increasing number of Americans, be protected with robust backup solutions to keep service up and running after catastrophic weather events.

After Hurricane Katrina, the FCC in 2007 tried to issue new rules that required a minimum of eight hours of backup power for all cell sites. The industry balked, predicting it would lead to “staggering and irreparable harm” for the cell companies. One wireless trade association warned their members might take several cell sites down if they were forced to provide backup power.

The CTIA Wireless Association and Sprint-Nextel sued the agency in federal court and the Bush Administration’s Office of Management and Budget eventually killed the proposed regulations.

T-Mobile and AT&T have cut an emergency deal to share their cellphone networks in areas affected by Superstorm Sandy. They’re trying to make it a little easier for customers to get a signal as carriers restore their networks. Some say companies should be forced to make their networks more resilient. National Public Radio’s Morning Edition has the story. (November 1, 2012) (3 minutes)
You must remain on this page to hear the clip, or you can download the clip and listen later.

Plateau Wireless customers can expect to be eventually herded to Verizon Wireless’ all or nothing plans as early as 2013.

Verizon Wireless this week announced the acquisition of another regional wireless carrier — Plateau Wireless — formerly owned by the Eastern New Mexico Rural Telephone Cooperative. At risk are the co-op’s innovative and inexpensive calling and unlimited smartphone data plans for customers in communities like Roswell, Carlsbad, Artesia, and Hobbs.

Verizon’s purchase includes the co-op’s cellular, PCS, and AWS wireless spectrum that covers more than 26,000 square miles in eastern New Mexico.

“We are excited to expand our presence and coverage in rural New Mexico and to welcome Plateau Wireless’ customers to the nation’s most reliable network. We believe the strength of our network enables people to live better and stronger lives,” said Andres Irlando, president of Verizon Wireless’ southwest region.

Customers’ bank accounts may not have the strength to withstand the pricing and technology changes Verizon has in store as early as 2013. Plateau’s current GSM network will be dismantled as Verizon converts the network to CDMA for voice service and EV-DO (3G) and LTE (4G) for data services, leaving customers’ current smartphones and handsets useless. Verizon has not said whether it will provide free replacement equipment to Plateau customers at the time of the network conversion.

More importantly, Plateau Wireless’ current service plans, which include numerous options for customers on tight budgets — are destined for the scrap heap as the company unleashes its all-or-nothing contract service plans.

Plateau Wireless was a co-op owned regional wireless provider serving southeastern New Mexico.

The most important service at risk is Plateau’s unlimited data plan. The company charges customers $29.99 a month for unlimited smartphone data when inside Plateau’s home coverage area. Customers on family plans have an even better deal. They can extend unlimited data to every other phone on the account for a flat additional fee of $10/month. For just under $40 a month total, four family members each with their own smartphones or other wireless devices can have unlimited data when bundled with a calling plan starting at $19.99 a month ($9.99 for each additional line).

The same data plan under Verizon Wireless’ Share Everything Plan costs $220 a month for four phones, but it is not unlimited. All four users have to share a collective allowance of just 2GB of data per month.

Remember when your cell phone company offered you calling plans that fit your budget instead of their desired bottom line? Plateau Wireless still does, for the moment:

All Plateau Wireless Plans are eligible for the Family Plan and Data Features. Unlimited text messaging is $4.95 a month. Carryover of unused minutes to future months and free loyal customer minutes available. 

Plateau Wireless’ customers will have to decide for themselves whether Verizon’s acquisition is good or bad news for them.

Earlier this month, the Federal Communications Commission awarded nearly $9.5 million to Plateau to expand 3G and 4G service in central and southeastern New Mexico over the next three years. Verizon Wireless can use the funds to effectively expand their network in the area at taxpayer expense.

Apple’s iPhone 5 Wi-Fi bug is showing up on several wireless networks.

Wireless companies with usage caps are in the money — your money — if you happen to own Apple’s iPhone 5. A serious bug afflicting the phone’s ability to connect and hold a Wi-Fi connection when using certain wireless security protocols is chewing up customers’ data allowances and exposing them to overlimit fees, even when they think the phone is connected to a free use Wi-Fi network.

So far, Verizon Wireless has confirmed the problem is impacting their customers, but our readers report problems with AT&T and Sprint iPhones as well.

“Under certain circumstances, iPhone 5 may use Verizon cellular data while the phone is connected to a Wi-Fi network,” said Torod Neptune, a spokesman for Verizon. “Apple has a fix that is being delivered to Verizon customers right on their iPhone 5. Verizon Wireless customers will not be charged for any unwarranted cellular data usage.”

Stop the Cap! reader John Pozniewicz thinks that is nice of Verizon, and wonders when AT&T will start dealing with the nearly $100 in overage fees he has already run up on similarly afflicted iPhone 5 smartphones he bought just last week.

“As best as I can tell, the problem seems to relate to the type of Wi-Fi security protocol your router has enabled,” Pozniewicz reports. “Many in the Apple community forums and I both agree the most likely culprit is AES encryption.”

Sprint customer Halle Thompson also wrote Stop the Cap! yesterday reporting her Sprint iPhone 5 was unable to hold its Wi-Fi connection either, forcing her to deal with Sprint’s slow 3G network, even when at home.

“Thank goodness Sprint doesn’t have a usage limit and overage fees or they would own my house by now, because I use my phone for everything,” Thompson says.

Thompson switched off her router’s wireless security and the problem disappeared, but now her Internet connection is open to everyone in her apartment complex. Pozniewicz spent the weekend experimenting with wireless security protocols and quickly found AES caused his Wi-Fi connection to become unstable.

If your readers are having the same problems I am, here is a workaround that will keep your router reasonably secure and accessible until the pointy heads at Apple figure out this disaster:

Recommended Security Settings:

• WPA only (least secure)
• WPA2 only
• WPA or WPA2 with TKIP

Not recommended:

• AUTO – AES
• WPA or WPA2 with AES enabled
• WPA or WPA2 with both TKIP and AES enabled

Verizon Wireless has told customers it will credit back any overage fees incurred as a result of the bug, but only if they ask. Customers should also demand Verizon reset their allowance or at least note their account regarding the problem. Customers should request credit for overlimit fees for both September and October, because early reports indicate the software update designed to fix this problem has not worked in all cases.

Pozniewicz is having much less success with AT&T which so far has refused all comment on the debacle and has been unwilling to issue any service credits for overages. Pozniewicz is upset, noting he has only had his iPhone 5 for a week and it has already cost him and his company an extra $100.

“I am extremely careful about only using Wi-Fi for anything that will consume a lot of data, but my only clue there was a problem was when I noticed how slowly my so-called ‘Wi-Fi’ connection was performing at home and work and that is when I discovered it was not actually using Wi-Fi at all,” Pozniewicz says. “What is insidious about this is that the Wi-Fi connection is still showing on the phone display, even when I am actually using AT&T’s network.”

Thompson reports her phone does seem to initially connect to Wi-Fi, but then loses the connection seconds or minutes later, eventually switching to Sprint’s 3G or 4G cellular networks. Sprint’s unlimited data plan makes the issue just an inconvenience. For Pozniewicz’s company, which has a contract for a dozen iPhones 5’s with AT&T, the overlimit fees are really adding up. His employees are also quickly burning through their own monthly data allowances.

“AT&T is a pack of vampires and they don’t care about anything other than my money, even after talking to two supervisors, one of which implied I was either lying about the problem or an idiot,” he said.

Here is how iPhone 5 customers can check their data usage: Select Settings, then General, then Usage, then Cellular Usage to see what your phone reports you have used thus far. If the numbers seem wildly out of whack, contact your wireless carrier and let them know you may be afflicted with the iPhone 5 bug and have them note your account for future credit for any subsequent overlimit fees.

Verizon customers should have already received a software update in an effort to correct the problem. You can verify this by following these steps:

1. Select Settings, then General, then About.
2. Wait for the message “Carrier Settings Updated,” then touch OK.
3. Allow the update (if any) to install.
4. If your phone does not automatically restart after the update is complete, turn the phone off and then on again to complete the update.

[flv width=”640″ height=”380″]http://www.phillipdampier.com/video/iPhone 5 Wifi connection issue.flv[/flv]

iPhone 5’s Wi-Fi problems documented by YouTube user “MNeuenswander,” who found changing the security protocol on his router seemed to resolve the problem.  (2 minutes)

You gotta love Verizon’s $30 upgrade fee to provide customers with the level of service and support they have come to expect. I’d rather deal with “no credit, no refunds, no checks” CricKet.

Verizon Wireless customers pay a $30 “upgrade fee” when purchasing new equipment with a new two-year contract, ostensibly to “provide customers with the level of service and support they have come to expect.”

After losing more than an hour of my life yesterday afternoon inside a Verizon Wireless store, I am here to tell you it isn’t worth it.

For the second time in seven months, Verizon Wireless has taught me they specialize in keeping customers waiting, giving them conflicting information, and proving the employees should be availing themselves of the “Wireless Workshops, online educational tools, and consultations with experts who provide advice and guidance on devices that are more sophisticated than ever.”

The latest nightmare began with an upgrade to Samsung’s Galaxy S3 that arrived with two 4G SIM cards that were initially declared useless-on-arrival. Despite early assurances that a customer service representative should be able to manage the activation of the phones without loss of our coveted unlimited data plan, it turned out a visit to a local Verizon Wireless store was recommended to swap out the 4G SIM cards enclosed in the box as part of a slightly-complicated activation.

Walking into the Pittsford, N.Y. Verizon store brought a feeling of trepidation when I realized my friend “the Verizon Wireless Welcome Kiosk” that I had been signing in at during previous visits was now missing. Instead, the store manager, armed with an Apple iPad, registered me for the inevitable queue of customers waiting for assistance.

“The wait should be around 15 minutes,” the store manager promised.

Nearly 30 minutes later, as I watched what seemed to be the only employee not on break deal with Ms. I-Don’t-Know-and-I-Can’t-Decide, the store manager returned to ask why I bothered to show up in-store to activate phones I could have managed online or by phone.

“Because I was told to,” I explained. “I have two phones that require new SIM cards and special attention to ensure I don’t lose my unlimited data plan.”

“Well, you have to activate them first,” came the reply.

That was news to me, of course, when a Verizon Wireless phone representative an hour earlier warned me specifically not to activate the phones and let a store customer service representative handle everything.

“Please don’t even attempt to activate the phones because I have had customers doing that all day who forfeited their unlimited data plans when they tried,” urged the phone representative. “You need to bring everything to the store and make sure they do it for you because I don’t want you inconvenienced.”

Good intentions, but reality always intrudes.

Phillip “Kill Me Now” Dampier

By now, 35 minutes into my 15-minute wait, several additional frustrated customers trickled in, all with the same phone. One found he couldn’t activate it even when he tried. Another needed his assigned a different number. Again, the store manager insisted the customers activate their phones before approaching a store employee.

As I wearily watched Ms. Indecision -still- taking up the time of the employee that was going to serve me next, I heard other customers casually griping about upgrade fees, the new Share Everything plan, and Verizon’s idea of customer service these days. The consensus: Verizon was shaking down their customers for more cash and also punishing people forced to walk into a store to resolve a problem. Pittsford is one of Rochester’s wealthiest suburbs, and even here customers were tapped out.

I have literally been here before. Back in December, at the same store, a remarkably unhelpful Verizon Wireless employee insisted the problems with my last phone, intermittent they might be, were not his problem if he could not exactly duplicate it while I waited. Since he did not have time to try (but had at least 15 minutes to chat up a young lady that preceded me about his holiday pie-making experiences), I was on my own, just as my warranty was set to expire.

He no longer works there.

As each new customer arrived on this remarkably warmer July day, the store manager warned the wait was growing longer and longer. He didn’t mention the customer -still- at the counter contemplating this or that and holding up the entire free market wireless economy in the process.

At this point, I was advised I could activate my phones by dialing *228 and I’d be all set. Only a year earlier, a Verizon employee told me 4G LTE customers should burn their fingers with a cigarette lighter if they ever felt the urge to try, because it would “scramble the SIM card forever.” True or false, I felt burned already.

I decided instead to call Verizon Wireless customer service, ironically, from inside the Verizon Wireless store that was supposed to be giving me “the level of service and support I have come to expect.”

“Due to (incredibly) high call volumes, your wait (is likely to be until the snow flies before someone will pick up your call).”

I then realize there are two other customers doing precisely the same thing I am, which probably explained those high call volumes.

Mr. Store Manager returned to ask if I had activated my phones yet. I explained I could not get through, but was bemused to notice the phones had now powered up with messages indicating they were in the process of activating themselves.

An hour into my 15 minute wait…

“That’s because you had your phones turned on,” came the odd explanation. “You have to turn the phones off before you call customer service.”

“I don’t think so, I seem to recall my Samsung Droid Charge activated itself in a similar fashion,” I replied.

“No, that isn’t how it works.”

Two minutes later, the phones activated themselves. I’m not certain I’ll ever know exactly why, especially after being told I had dud 4G SIM cards. But I also found it ironic that even a confused customer like myself, now dying in my personal Verizon hell, seemed to know more than the people working there, and I didn’t even take that Wireless Workshop.

Regardless, I was elated that stage of my trial had come to an end. Now I only had to have an employee swap those SIM cards out to assign the phones to the proper phone numbers. Then I could escape my excellent customer experience for good.

But there was Ms. Should-I-or-Shouldn’t-I, still tying up the growing line (the wait had now grown to perhaps an hour for customers entering the store… at their own risk.)

Suddenly, an employee miraculously returned from break and I was finally helped.

“You want insurance on these phone, right?”

“No.”

“But you have 14 days to change your mind.”

“No.”

“Which phone do you want on which number.”

“Since the phones are precisely the same, it does not matter to me.”

Those were the days.

Long pause.

The employee kept dropping below the counter to deal with an interminable number of snake-long thermal cash-register-like receipts that kept spitting out of the printer whenever he did anything on the slowly-responding computer.

After another 15 minutes, the new 4G SIM cards were in.

“Now let me show you some of the cool new features on your phone, but first enter your name and password.”

I compromised by entering my name and password but suggested we skip the training course. Besides, my personal lease renting space inside the store (and my new 2-year contract) was likely to expire before I would finally get out of there.

“We have some nice new cases to show you to protect your phones.”

“No thanks.” Now I am questioning why I bought the phones in the first place.

“Okay, now it is time to restore your apps.”

Kill me now.

As soon as the phones were up and running, back into the boxes they went, and polite thank-yous were delivered to all concerned. I then busted out of the store, more than an hour after my promised 15-minute wait, like a prisoner escaping Attica. Sure I realize I am not “free at last,” stuck on a new contract with Verizon for another two years, but I can do my time standing on my head so long as I can avoid ever dealing with another Verizon Wireless store… and keep my unlimited data.

They should pay me $30 to go through upgrading anything with them. Oh wait, just a year or so ago they did — $100 as part of Verizon’s long-gone “New Every Two” program… exorcised right along with their budget-minded voice calling options, unlimited data, and text plans suitable for the occasional text here and there. In their place, the all-new, super exciting $90 Share Everything plan… including $50 for a “generous” 1GB data allowance.

Thanks Verizon Wireless!